I turn 39 this year, which means 40 is right around the corner.
As I reflect on the last 9 years, I recognize a heaviness in myself that wasn’t there when I first wrote my 30 Things I Want To Do Before 30 list. I came into my 30s like a wrecking ball, with so much momentum and gusto for life. Armed with youthful ignorance and endless energy to pursue my life goals.
But somewhere along the way, that wrecking ball transformed. As the years went on, I found myself channeling less Miley Cyrus energy, and feeling much more like Sisyphus.
Looking back on it, I was completely unprepared for how my 30s would unfold. On a mental level, I knew the inevitable slowdown that comes with aging, but nothing prepared me for the crushing weight of burnout in my 30s, turning my wrecking ball into a boulder that I now had to push endlessly uphill.
I know I’m not alone in this feeling. That feeling that you accidentally girlbossed too hard and now have too much responsibility so you don’t want to girlboss anymore.
Why Is Everything Harder in My 30s?
It’s a humbling experience to be in your 30s to realize that this constant struggle might be all there is. Like Sisyphus, I’ve been pushing this boulder relentlessly uphill, but the hill is only getting steeper and the weight of it all feels crushing.
Where am I supposed to go from here? How do I break through? I’m too exhausted to enjoy the life that I’ve already worked so hard for, trapped in this Sisyphean cycle where I can’t stop pushing unless I want to give up what I’ve already accomplished. Yet, I can’t summon the strength to go beyond this hill.
The thought of peaking before 40 is terrifying. Have I already reached my summit? Shouldn’t I be out there, still swinging freely and not stuck in this endless uphill battle? How do other people escape this Sisyphean trap? It’s clear that something needs to change. Even with my occasional bursts of energy, it wasn’t sustainable anymore.
As the saying goes, ‘what got you here won’t get you there.’” I suffered for YEARS, looking for solutions to get unstuck. I shared the state of my mental health a few years ago, but even with some of the suggestions I shared about things that helped, I was just throwing darts blindfolded, aimlessly trying different solutions to find some levity in the weight of it all.
The big A-HA moment came to me when I took Tony Robbins’ course a few years ago. He shared a framework of the 3 elements that someone needs to reach a breakthrough when things get tough: the right Strategy, Story, and State. But more important, you need to do these things in the right order.
Not prioritizing these 3 things in the right order is where people make the biggest mistake. Understanding this framework has helped me move out of an endless cycle of feeling stuck. It’s helped me bring back some of that wrecking ball energy into my life and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation as me, I hope it helps you too.
The Problem with Strategy-First
We all crave breakthroughs in life, those moments when we achieve something significant, something we’ve never done before. And often, our first instinct is to seek out the ‘right’ strategies, the proven tactics that will get us there. I know I’ve certainly fallen into that trap.
One of my biggest aspirations over the past 5+ years has been to create a lifestyle business, to break free from the corporate world and become a full-time content creator.
I went about this goal like many people do: I bought an online course. At the time, I thought that joining a new mastermind would help me get the results that I wanted. After all, that’s what the course promised, right? If you want to get from A to B, take this course and you will get this result after 6 months.
In the beginning, I did feel a lot of initial dopamine from doing something new. I felt inspired to post more content, I felt motivated to keep going. But by month three, my motivation started to fade and the reality of it all started to catch up to me. Don’t get me wrong, the course content was great. But even with all the right strategies laid out for me, I couldn’t execute.
Why? Because I wasn’t in the right physical and emotional state to do it. I bought the program in the new year when I had a lull in my schedule, so I told myself I could pick up the extra work and girlboss my way into my side hustle. All while having a demanding full time job as a Global Product Lead at YouTube.
I was blogging pretty consistently in my 20s, I figured if I focused on this goal hard enough, I could do it.
But here’s the reality: by my 30s, I was struggling with cycles of burnout because of how demanding my job was. I cycled between times of burnout and compromised my health goals just to put in some extra hours at work. All this, coupled with my new ADHD diagnosis, meant I wasn’t in the right state to tackle this massive new goal.
When selling you a new program, the coach never really asks you, how are you feeling right now? Do you actually have the time and energy to actually do this? I suppose I should have asked this question before jumping into things, but honestly it didn’t even occur to me at the time.
Everyone is working on that elusive side hustle these days, and it made me feel a bit disillusioned. It makes you feel like if you have the strategies in place, you can reach your next goal.
It took hearing the State, Story, Strategy framework from Tony Robbins to make me realize how hard work is simply not enough. Without taking the time to dig deeper to work on my inner state and stories, I would not be able to push past my Sisyphean cycle.
For me, the biggest roadblock that I had on my state and story was mostly related to my late-ADHD diagnosis. Coincidentally, I started my mastermind the same time I started realizing that I have ADHD.
Here’s how it all went down:
- The situation: Shelly, newly diagnosed with ADHD thinks that she can juggle both a demanding full-time job, work on a side-hustle with the energy as I had in my 20s, while working through cycles of burnout. Buys a course to use the dopamine as motivation and accountability to accomplish goals.
- The challenge: Initial rush of dopamine from doing something new runs out, soon finds myself feeling very overwhelmed and unable to keep up with the strategy of remaining consistent to keep posting like many people were able to in the course. Slowly I attended less classes and wasn’t able to keep up with the assignments to feel like I got a return on investment on this expensive mastermind.
This experience highlighted the importance of understanding your State and Story. In the beginning, I did feel inspired to take some action because executing the right Strategy is extremely motivating. However, I wasn’t able to keep up the consistent momentum I needed to continue. I started to feel the burnout juggling both the course and my full time job, and I ended up in a worse state than when I began.
In hindsight, it was very ‘ADHD’ of me to let my shiny object syndrome take over. If you have ADHD, you know the drill: We fall in love with a new hobby only to abandon it a few days/weeks/months later when the initial excitement fades.I also often overestimate how much I can do.
In my 20s, my ADHD wrecking ball energy propelled me to accomplish quite a lot. Being diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s was an eye opener because I started to finally understand how to navigate my inner chaos. In other words, it was much more clear on how to improve on my own state and story.
I was burning out because I often compromised on taking care of my wellness habits when I had too much to do. Go to the gym or stay at work a few more hours? Cook a healthy meal or order delicious takeout to make me feel better about working late? It’s a slippery slope if you do not pay attention.
I simply did not have the systems and routines in place to help me manage stress and overwhelm when it came up, so even though I thought I felt great at the beginning of the 6-month program, I felt completely burnt out by the end of it. Instead of feeling motivated, I started to feel like I was more lazy or less consistent than other people in my course. This just reinforced a lifelong story I told myself: that I’m inconsistent, that I’m smart but not as capable as those around me. I think this is a common trap for many people, but especially those with ADHD.
You can see how this State, Story, and Strategy framework can work for many of life’s challenges. It doesn’t matter if you have health, finance, or relationship goals you want to achieve. If you’re stuck in a cycle where you feel like no matter how much you push you end up back at the bottom of the hill, the secret is not that you don’t have the right strategies. It’s because you need to work on your inner state and story first.
The power of owning your state and story is that “X-factor” that pushes people from being good to great.
Understanding the 3 Pillars
As we’ve seen, implementing the right strategy is just the tip of the iceberg. You might focus on your daily actions and strategies, but your state and story—the often-hidden foundational layer—are what truly drive your results. That’s why Tony Robbins’ framework of these three pillars for achieving a breakthrough is so powerful. Let’s break down each one:
State: The Foundation
If your strategies are the tip of the iceberg, then your “state” is what’s beneath the surface, the foundation upon which that iceberg rests. It’s your physical, mental, and emotional well-being at any given moment. Are you energized or exhausted? In the flow or distracted? Challenged or stressed?
If you’re not regularly checking in on your inner state and recharging your batteries when you’re feeling empty, don’t be surprised if you suddenly become completely burnt out and unable to do anything at all.
What I’ve come to realize in my 30s is that while the wellness routines I had in my 20s were nice-to-haves, they’ve now become foundational if I want to have enough energy to fuel all the things I want to accomplish in my next stage of life. Just as a building needs a stronger foundation to support additional floors, your internal foundation needs to evolve as you grow, take on new challenges, and aim for bigger goals.
When that wrecking ball energy fades away, you’ll have to take a closer look at what’s left over and evaluate and strengthen your inner state. Remember the saying, “What got you here, won’t get you there”? The same applies to your internal foundation.
How State Impacts Daily Life:
Your state is a dynamic force that’s constantly influencing your experiences and actions. It affects how you approach tasks, interact with others, and make decisions.
- Productivity: A focused, energized state fosters efficiency and creativity, while feeling drained can make even simple tasks feel impossible. Regularly evaluate your state and adjust your approach accordingly. If you’re feeling depleted, it’s okay to prioritize rest or simpler tasks.
- Decision-making: A calm, clear-headed state leads to sound decisions, while stress and burnout can cloud your judgment. This is especially important for big commitments, like signing up for a 6-month mastermind (ha!). Take time to evaluate your state and ensure you have the mental and emotional bandwidth so you don’t accidentally girlboss your way into burnout.
Story: The Narrative You Live By
We all have an internal narrative, a story we tell ourselves to help us understand ourselves and the world around us. However, not everyone is as tuned in to this inner dialogue. The sooner you can identify the story you’re telling yourself, the sooner you can pinpoint the limiting beliefs or mental blocks that keep you from making progress and breaking free from your Sisyphean cycle.
There’s a power in the stories you tell yourself because these stories become our reality. We instinctively seek out and validate information that confirms our existing beliefs, regardless of whether those beliefs are objectively true.
Here’s Tony Robbins’s favorite example to illustrate this point (link to a video where he talks about this):
“I want you to look around the room and notice everything around you that’s brown. Now close your eyes, and tell me everything that you saw that was red. Well obviously you saw a lot more brown, didn’t you? Why? Because you were looking for it.”
He explains that we constantly seek evidence to validate our inner beliefs; that’s how our brains are wired. If your brain is looking for brown, it might even perceive beige as brown, just to confirm its existing belief.
That’s why it’s crucial to pay attention to your inner stories and actively rewrite negative self-talk into more empowering narratives.
So tell me, how often are you talking shit about yourself? I’m definitely guilty of it. Negative narratives can become so deeply ingrained that they operate subconsciously, shaping your thoughts and actions without you even realizing it.
Here are some of mine:
💭 “Shelly’s lazy and she likes to take the easy way out.”
💭 “She’s smart, but she’ll never be as smart (and therefore successful) as…”
Ridiculous when I say this out loud, so why do I even think these things? (Hint: a lot of my negative self-talk has a lot to do with my undiagnosed ADHD.)
By identifying these disempowering stories and digging deeper into why they exist, you can cultivate more self-compassion for yourself and begin the process of rewriting your narrative. This transformation takes time and effort, but it’s crucial to challenge those negative thoughts and replace them with empowering affirmations. As you shift your inner dialogue, you’ll start to see shifts in your external reality.
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
Strategy: Working With Your Brain, Not Against It
Strategies are the action plans we create to achieve our goals—the roadmaps that guide us, the tools and techniques we use to move forward. Sometimes, we follow a guide or coach to help us navigate the terrain and reach our desired destination. But here’s the catch: not all roadmaps are created equal, and not all guides understand the unique challenges of our individual journeys.
For years, I blindly followed strategies without considering two crucial factors that impact my productivity and approach to goals:
- My ADHD/dyslexic brain: My brain is wired differently. It’s creative and intuitive, but it also craves spontaneity and struggles with executive function tasks like working memory and time-keeping. Following typical neurotypical advice only led to frustration, making me feel like something was wrong with me, and ultimately, to burnout and a sense of failure.
- My hormonal cycles: As women, our energy levels and cognitive abilities fluctuate throughout the month due to hormonal shifts. I’m more productive and energized during the follicular phase of my cycle, while the luteal phase often brings lower energy and focus.
Many women in the ADHD community share that their symptoms worsen during their luteal phase. This intersection of womanhood and ADHD significantly impacts our experiences, and once I started paying attention to it, everything changed for me.
These days, I track my cycle to capitalize on my high-energy, hyper-focused weeks. Knowing that my ADHD symptoms can worsen during my luteal phase, I practice extra self-compassion during that time. I even reschedule important meetings to ensure I bring my best to work.
I no longer hesitate to advocate for my dyslexic needs at work, requesting accommodations like using specific fonts and incorporating visuals into documents. This has transformed my workflow, making it easier to process information and communicate effectively. It’s a win-win—my work is stronger, and my colleagues benefit from the clearer formats.
It’s astonishing how little we discuss ADHD in women and its connection to our hormonal cycles. Thankfully, social media has fostered more open conversations within our community. What once felt taboo is becoming best practice, and I’m grateful for the women who have bravely shared their journeys.
This is why I’m passionate about sharing my journey. I hope to empower other neurodivergent women to harness the power of state, story, and strategy, break through those invisible barriers, and unlock their full potential.
Improving your State and Story
We’ve explored the three pillars—State, Story, and Strategy—and how they work together so you can push past the Sisyphean trap you feel stuck in. But how do you actually prioritize your state and story in daily life?
Improving Your State
Let’s start with improving your state, the most important ‘S’ of them all. Having a positive state can even impact the stories you tell yourself. To illustrate this, try a Tony Robbins exercise: slouch your body and frown for a whole minute. How do you feel? Pretty low energy, right?
Now try the opposite: sit up straight, strike a power pose, and smile (even if you have to fake it!) for a minute. Notice how your mood begins to shift.
Here are a few other go-to basics to start improving your state:
- Exercise: Are you getting some movement in? Literally ANYTHING will do. If you’re not regularly exercising, even taking a 10 minute walk outside will be better than nothing at all.
- Sleep: Are you getting 7-8 hours of sleep per night, or a lot less than that? Of course there’s times when you can’t sleep that much (e.g. have a newborn in the house? Good luck with that!). But if you’re staying up binging Netflix, scrolling social media or playing video games, it’s time to reevaluate your priorities.
- Water: Are you staying hydrated? No, coffee doesn’t count.
- Alcohol: Speaking of hydration, how often are you drinking? The older you get, the more likely alcohol impacts your sleep quality. I only needed to spend 1 month with my Oura ring to see how alcohol impacts my sleep. On the nights I drink, I get almost no deep sleep and minimum REM.
- Nutrition: Outside of staying hydrated, are you eating balanced whole meals with a good amount of vegetables, protein, and healthy fats? I know when I’m stressed, nutrition is the first to go because I like to feel better about life by ordering crappy (but delicious) takeout. Good once in a while, but definitely not great long term.
Feeling in a Rut?
There are 2 powerful tools that I use for improving my state. I’ve realized over the years that my ADHD brain needs a lot of structure, so these time-bound challenges keep me motivated to focus on building healthy habits.
- Food Cleanses: In my 20s, I started doing the Clean Cleanse, and I found that food cleanses really helped me reset. You know what they say, “You are what you eat.” So, whenever I focus on doing these food cleanses, my whole body starts feeling better. My mood improves, and I feel more energetic. If this is interesting to you, you can download my free 63-page food cleanse guide where I break down the Clean Cleanse and another one of my favorite food cleanses: Whole30.
- Wellness Sprints: In the last 2 years, I’ve started incorporating 25-day Wellness Sprints, often coupled with a food cleanse, to focus on building healthy habits that boost my well-being. These sprints help me reset and recharge whenever I stray too far from my good habits, with positive effects that ripple through all areas of my life.
Revising Your Story
There’s no one-size-fits-all checklist for improving your story, as everyone’s thoughts and limiting beliefs are unique. But here are a few things that have helped me:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): I found CBT helpful because of its structured, goal-oriented approach. I discussed my daily challenges with my therapist, who encouraged me to evaluate my thought patterns and consider alternative perspectives. Rumination is a common ADHD trait, so having tools to manage these negative thought spirals was invaluable. Dr. Daniel Amen suggests asking yourself these five questions to challenge automatic negative thoughts:
- Is it true?
- Is it absolutely true?
- How do I feel when I have this thought?
- Who would you be/ how would you feel if you didn’t have the thought?
- What is the opposite of the original thought?
- Reading other people’s stories: Sometimes we lack the language or emotional awareness to identify our own negative thought patterns. Since much of my negative self-talk stemmed from my late-diagnosed ADHD, reading books about ADHD helped me understand my struggles and gain valuable insights. Here are three ADHD books I recommend:
- Practicing self-love and self-compassion: The concept of ‘self-love’ always sounded a bit cheesy to me. I mean, I do love myself… right? But I didn’t realize how much I struggled with genuine self-love until I read How to Heal Yourself by Louise Hay. She includes an activity where you look in the mirror, meet your own eyes, and say ‘I love you’ five times. When I tried it, I couldn’t even do it! As I continued my self-healing journey, I realized how often I defaulted to negative self-talk. To rewire my brain, I started using self-love affirmation cards, choosing one each day to journal about. It felt silly at first, but those affirmations gradually shifted my inner dialogue, and now positive thoughts come much more naturally. Nowadays, I have no problem telling myself that I love me. 🙂
Advice to my 30 year old self
So, there you have it—the single most important piece of advice I’d give my younger self: the State, Story, Strategy framework that transformed my life in my 30s. Simple once you know it, but life-changing when you implement it. If I could go back in time, I’d tell that slightly chaotic, ambitious 30-year-old that things might feel harder in your 30s, but not for the reasons you think. If all of a sudden, things that once seemed easy feel like insurmountable challenges, it might be time to pay attention to your inner world, to cultivate a strong foundation of well-being and empowering beliefs, rather than just chasing new strategies.
Why? Because by prioritizing my internal foundation—my physical, mental, and emotional well-being, along with the narratives I tell myself—I’ve been able to rebound more quickly from the Sisyphean cycle of burnout and helplessness. I’ve learned to work with my ADHD/dyslexic brain and hormonal fluctuations, not against them, creating strategies that truly align with my unique needs and rhythms.
The beauty of this framework is that it applies to any area of life where you feel stuck. Whether you’re struggling with health goals, career aspirations, or personal relationships, remember that lasting change starts from within.
Now, I challenge you to take action! Choose one area of your life where you feel stuck and apply the State, Story, Strategy framework.
- Assess your current state. Are you feeling energized and focused, or depleted and overwhelmed?
- Examine the stories you’re telling yourself. Are they empowering or limiting?
- Choose strategies that align with your desired state and story.
I’m committed to sharing more about this framework and how it can empower neurodivergent women to embrace their authentic selves, achieve their goals, and ultimately, focus on living their best lives.
For years, I felt lost and alone, navigating my challenges without many guides who truly understood my experiences as an Asian woman, an immigrant, and a burned out high-achieving individual with ADHD & Dyslexia.
I’m sharing this framework because I believe everyone deserves to have access to tools and resources that resonate with their unique journey.
